Thoughts from a (girl) Gamer

Tara Voelker's thoughts. A lot about video games, a little about life

Zombie Apocalypse protocol for weddings

by Tara

As someone who is a member of multiple wedding parties next year, I understand how necessary it is for someone to address the Zombie Apocalypse protocol for weddings. Although the likely hood of an outbreak while exchanging vows or observing others doing so is slim, that’s no excuse to not be prepared.

Although parts of this article can be applied to weddings at any location, this article will mainly cover weddings in churches. Weddings in other locations will be covered separately, or fall under the protocol of other buildings.

1. Pick the right location for your wedding.
As mentioned before, this article will mainly be addressing weddings in churches. If you have decided that you would like to have your ceremony in a religious location, do not simply choose to have your wedding in the building that your family has attended services in for years and years. Not all churches are fortified equallily in terms of the Zombie Apocolaypse. When choosing the proper church, older ones are the way to go. Older churches are more likely to be made of stone or brick, not have basement windows,  have a elevated entry way, and have a  thick wooden entry way. New churches often have glass doors that were made for aesthetic reasons and will not provide enough protection from the infected. They are also more likely to have more exits leading to the outside world. More exits are merely more entries for the infected.

2. Decorate your wedding accordingly.

If you have chosen to have your wedding in a church, it is very likely that there will not be guns in the building, and this is understandable. To make up for the lack of weapons, be sure to choose wedding decor that can be quickly converted in survival tools and weapons in case of infected. Be sure to have a lot of candles at your ceremony. Candles can provide light in case of a power outage but also produce less light that electric lights and would there for be less likely to alert infected to your location. They can also be used to boil water or heat food. This also gives you an excuse to have plenty of matches and lighters around. With so many candles, it would only make sense that one would have many tall candelabras. When sturdy candelabras have been chosen, they make a fairly efficient staff or long distance weapon. When compared to other weapons available in a church, it makes a viable option. Please remember, that although you have a multitude of candles, do not use the fire to try to harm any infected. Fire does not slow down zombies, but only causes you to know have a flaming zombie coming after you instead of a non-flaming zombie. It would also be a good idea to have a lot of fabric at your wedding, such a a aisle runner. This can be used as a rope if needed.

3. Dress your wedding party appropriately.
This applies not so much to males as it does females, but there are some simple rules to follow. Be sure that you have chosen comfortable shoes that are easy to move around in. You never know when you may need to run, so be sure that you are able to do so in your shoes. Full length dresses and ball gowns are not a good idea. They are hard to move around in and could slow down the wearer. In addition, it makes the wearing have more that a zombie could grab at and get a hold of.  Knee to mid-shin length dresses are the best option for all females (assuming that you want to have dresses for your wedding party). If you are set on wearing a dress of a longer length, make sure that the skirt can be easily rolled up or ripped to make it easier to move around in. Having an extra set of clothing on hand may be a good idea, but remember that you may not be able to use them.

4. Have a small wedding.
More people mean more infected. Keep it small. In addition, if there are less people in the building when an outbreak occurs there are less people to feed and take care of.

5. Have an on site reception.
Having an on site reception allows you to have ample food at your disposal while you are waiting out attack. Be sure to pick foods that do not need refidgerated and can be eaten at room temperature. Having an on site recption also allows you to have knives at the church, which may not have been there before. It is never a bad thing to have more weapons at your disposal.

6. Use what God has provided.

Churches have pews, and this gives you an ample amount of wood. Use the pews to barricade all doors and windows. You’re best idea is to get to the highest part of the church you can reach. If the church has an upper balacony or a bell tower, be sure to make it accessible and easy to block aid in the case of infected entering the church. Be sure to have a way to get out of a balacony or bell tower if you can not leave the way you came. A good idea would be to leave you aisle runner up there and ready to go if it is needed as a rope.


3 responses to “Zombie Apocalypse protocol for weddings

  1. The Prepared Groom April 20, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    two things you didn’t touch on:

    1) Choose your wedding party wisely. these are the people who will be closest to you when the whole thing goes down; make sure they’ve got your back and won’t get squeemish in the worst-case scenario. Screening a zombie movie or two at a social gathering they attend and watching for their response is a good way to run an impromptu check.
    1a) Don’t forget ushers, they’ll be manning the doors as well as coming in close contact with every guest that arrives, which makes them your first line of defense against the walking dead.
    2) find out if the church has a rectory and/or whether the priest/minister has a house on the grounds as well. anything with a second story and a possible food/water supply nearby is a resource you’ll need, and you won’t have time to figure all this out once it all goes to hell.

  2. Pingback: Test | All About Wedding

  3. glutton for punishment April 29, 2009 at 5:57 am

    Traditionally (you know, the kind of tradition that sprang up around the time of the Black Plague), the groom’s wedding party were present, more or less, as a bodyguard for the groom and his loovly wyf …. thus, weaponry was a must.

    and, should you find yourself lacking in conventional weaponry (baseball bat, Glock, flamethrower, condoms, etc.), you might consider going hand-to-hand using that big gold-looking cross on the altar …. chances are, it’s made of heavy, durable brass and not gold. picture yourself wading into the thick of it, brain, blood and bone trailing across the panicked guests with every swing of that big, bad, and up-till-now useless artifact. people will repaint the Sistine Chapel with a picture of that shit!

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