Thoughts from a (girl) Gamer

Tara Voelker's thoughts. A lot about video games, a little about life

Five People You Hate to See a Movie With

By Kristianna

Whether it’s opening night, matinee, or a group of friends hanging out, there are just some people you cannot enjoy watching a movie with. They make it completely miserable for others around them, without the slightest idea of how incredibly rude they are. Here are the top 5 people you hate to see a movie with.

The Know-it-all
How to spot one:
There is no classification for a know-it-all. They come with any gender or age.

fanboyanatomy

Why we hate them:
The know-it-all will find a way to ruin every scene of the movie. They know every line to the movie and will recite it verbatim as the movie plays. We personally don’t care if you have seen the movie 47 times. If I wanted to know what happens before it happens, I would have fucking stayed home and read a spoiler killing review. The worst type of movie to see with this person is a horror flick. They will kill every moment of suspense and gore, rest-assuring you that this scene was the only good one in the movie, and the next 90 minutes are a bore fest. As if listening to you wasn’t bad enough.

Their Death Punishment:
Death by exhaustion. We will strap you in a chair, tape your eyes open, and force you to watch every movie ever made. That way you can fulfill your dream of ruining every movie ever made. That is of course if you don’t die before then.

The Pig
How to spot one:
They can range from any age or gender, but are generally found overweight. Although, there are exceptions to this.

fat-people-eating1

Why we hate them:
There are two different types of pigs; however, they’re level of annoying is just as equal. The first type of pig is the person who lacks jaw muscles as they’re mouth hangs open as they chew. The food sloshing in their mouth spits out in tiny debris as they breath in and out. This is more traumatic than the museum scene in Mother of Tears, causing you to set your attention on the popcorn speckled saliva that hangs from your lips. The second type is the person who brings a buffet in their personal belongings. Instead of being considerate and opening a small hole in everything prior to the movie, you hear the crunching of their wrappers every five minutes because they can’t decide if they want the Crunch Bar or the BBQ Chips. Rest assured, you fat ass, you wont die of starvation if you go 5 minutes without fucking eating.

Their Death Punishment:
Starvation. While doing so, dangle some potato chips just far enough out of reach. If you can deprive people of a good movie experience, we can deprive you of food. It’s only fair.

Tweens
How to spot one:
Children 11-16. They horde like schools of fish, traveling in packs of 20 or more on a Friday night. Their infestations are most severe on an opening movie night.

tweens

Why we hate them:
They will do anything at all possible to up their social status, even if it’s at the cost of your patience while still making complete fools of themselves. While we’ve all been there, we also got our asses beaten if we disrespected our elders. The biggest gripe with this one is that their parents are the dumb idiots that buy their 12 year old kids rated-R movie tickets, and then wonder why they’re out fucking and getting knocked up at that age. Because of this, they’re often spotted in clusters running around the theater well after the movie has started like it was a chuck-e-cheese play place, smacking their gum, and recreating social acts of idiocy. They often have overly verbose reactions to every scene from blood curdling screams to that’s gross. That’s the very reason why there are age restrictions on movies in the theatre.

Their Death Punishment:
Put them and their idiotic parents in a locked room together. I’m sure if the parents actually spent five minutes with their kids they would see how fucking annoying their child was and end up killing them their self while following the murder with an act of suicide.

The Hoochie
How to spot one:
The Hoochie is typically a teenage to mid-20’s female. They usually travel in packs, and are undeniably annoying on all accounts. They’re signature trademark is a bad attitude, a bad weave, and unnecessarily uncomfortable shoes.

newyork1

Why we hate them:
The hoochie is rather different then any other. They acknowledge that they’re a disturbance, but they don’t care. They’re generally the ones that travel in small little groups and talk loud enough for everyone to hear about that nasty rash they received from a one night stand. When asked to quiet down, they make a confrontational scene to exert their dominance. The bigger the audience, they nastier the confrontation where you couldn‘t get a word in edge wise anyway. There is no winning with them. We don’t fucking care about that bitch you want to beat up, that “boi” you want to fuck, or your new pair of way too tight pants. Sit down and shut the fuck up.

Their death punishment:
Record hours of them talking, cut out their tongue, strap them in a chair and make them listen to themselves speak over and over again, but never allow them to talk again. If that’s not enough to depress them to death, nothing is.

Mister Important
How to spot one:
They’re usually males (not all the time) of any age, but often they’re traveling with hoochies. They have their phone either glued to their ear or in their hand to receive the next important text.

cellphone

Why we hate them:
They will answer phone calls in their seat during the movie carrying on a conversation as if nobody notices them. If that wasn’t bad enough they will then whip out the phone texting through the whole movie shining the cell phone light in everyone’s eyes. If you’re that important that someone needs to be getting a hold of you every second of your life then it would be for the greater good if you did something else. Their cluelessness to how inconsiderate they are is unyielding. No, your loud and pointless conversation and bright cell phone light isn’t bothering me at all, thanks for asking.

Their death punishment:
Deadbolt a cell phone to their head with Gilbert Gottfried talking on full volume on the other side. I believe this one speaks for itself.

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2 responses to “Five People You Hate to See a Movie With

  1. Max May 7, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    This is why going to the movie theatre is an experience akin to being mauled by angry dogs.

  2. zombiemoloch May 8, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Or walking on hot coals. Either way all the same.

    I don’t mind going to the theater during the week right when the theater opens, and 99% of the time you have it to yourself anyway. I know some of the people who work for the theaters try to do their best (pending which one you go to, the one by me usually does a pretty decent job on kicking obnoxious people out), but they can’t solve it all.

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